La Lune de Rubén

Wasting Myself

I am here. I'm in a new place. Traveling has told me where to go, but not what to do. It seems like my life can start again, the way it's always been. The residue is still there. Who am I kidding? I'm still me. I still carry my foul deeds to the afterlife.

So, what the hell do I do?

The obstacles of the physical world are still there. I still need to eat. I still need to sleep. I still need to fuck, still need to piss, to shit. To scream. To cry. To scratch. To pull! To kick! To hurt! To damn!!

What do I do with this new life, that is not there? What do I do that I haven't done before? That won't lead me to death again...?

It all starts with money, of course. If I want to keep my body alive, long enough to repair the soul, I need a place to live. I need a place to shelter myself and rest my body, sleep when I need to... I need money for that. I need to PAY to rest!

It's no use to keep my body rested if my energy will deplete from hunger anyway. I need food. I need to eat to keep healthy and refreshed... I need money for that. I need to PAY to nourish myself!

I need to work. Earn money. Earn my life. Work to live. Living is not free. Life is NOT a gift.

So, I'm looking for a job... and, as it turns out... you need MONEY to get a job! I have to transport myself to the places where a job can be offred to me. I need to communicate physically my need for work and receive (in turn, physically) any type of offer or availability. All of which (cars, bikes, buses, phone calls, e-mails, printed paper) cost money.

Money I need if I were to stay in the physical world. Money I don't have. Even surfing the internet, writing 'blogs is a waste of money! (Is it a waste of self, though?)

This depresses me greatly. Which is why I haven't been outside for more than 24 hours now (and counting). I have no money. In turn, I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go. (Except, go out and spend MORE money trying to get a job.)

It's a waste. I'm wasting myself!

Investing time, energy, and MONEY (and sometimes investing happiness)... for what? To fail? Miserably, again?!? Is it worth it? Even those who HAVE found jobs after that investment of self, can ask themselves: Is it worth it? Are we happy? Are we TRULY happy?

Where IS happiness? Certainly not in the waste of self!

Yet, if life HAS to be bought, why can't we buy happiness?

Humankind sells life to me (food, water, shelter, sex, etc.) everywhere I go. But where is happiness sold?

posted by Roob'n @ 12:32 AM

Where and Why

Where to begin.

I really don't care.

I really don't care if no one knows who I am, or where I came from. I'll start from the now, and if you're lost... then you're lost.

I committed suicide. It's the suicide that keeps you breathing, keeps your heart beating, but still takes your life. I was betrayed by someone who I trusted my deepest, darkest secrets to. I hurt this person, and this person hurt me back by displaying publicly who I am, flaws and all. This person, of course, never displayed his/her flaws. So, naturally, I am the only bad guy. The awful things this person did behind my back, went unnoticed. Because, since it was behind my back, I could never divulge any of it. Now, after finding out... I could divulge, I could have my revenge and let out this person's dirty little secrets as well... But blah! I'm too hurt, devastated, and exhausted to even want to.

By betraying my trust, and displaying my secrets to my friends and to my professional world, this person ruined my reputation and my life. So, I decided to kill myself.

A video on youtube helped my body. My body still lives thanks to that video. But my soul still ached to die. And so, I committed suicide in a way I had always dreamed of.

I am dead to everyone back home, writing to you from the afterlife... for I am no longer with you. You cannot see me. You cannot hear me. You cannot touch me. I am gone. I committed suicide without killing my body. Only I DID take my life. Everything that was part of my life, does not exist anymore. Does not have me anymore. I ran away from my previous world and took my life with me. I might as well change my name and everything.

Here, I am someone new. Someone with secrets. Someone with a past. But I am dead to you, who knew me. I live only to myself, and those I am yet to meet. And I hope, in tears, that THEY don't betray me. So that my secrets can rest in peace, unless my body should first.

Where am I? After death, I am in limbo. I am flying with the angels. But I will land soon enough. And I will keep my secrets safe. And I will keep your secrets safe. Because, yes, I was a dark and evil individual. But so are you. We are both of the light and the dark. You, too, have dark secrets that if they were revealed to the world... you, too, would want to die...

Why let go? Why fight?

Which one? How do I choose between letting go and keeping the fight? How do I let go of my past life? How do I forget what killed me, so I can move on, in my new life?

I am here. Watch me go.

posted by Roob'n @ 12:28 AM